Sunday, February 27, 2011

Osama Bin Laden - Strictly Fiction (and strictly humor)

There is compelling evidence that Osama Bin Laden doesn’t exist – and never has.
For writers, this means that the sprinkling of mere words across a page still possess the power to alter the course of history. Here then, are the facts as we know them, from the writer who started this masterwork of fiction, Akmed Ish Ke-bab, in his own words...


It was back in the early 1960’s when I was mistakenly arrested near my Saudi home on suspicion of spying for the insurgent Haji tribes. Government police tossed me – torn, bruised and bleeding – into a cold concrete cell. Huge rats the size of burros nibbled at my toes as I contemplated my fate.

Soon enough, the iron cell door squeaked open and two huge jailers with pistols and long beards entered the cell and dragged me upstairs. My interrogator in traditional Saudi robe and headdress wore a monocle in his right eye and was smoking a brownish cigarette. As I sat on a small stool in front of him, he signaled the jailers to begin pummeling me lustily with the butts of their pistols. This they did with alacrity, despite my pathetic cries for mercy.

“So now, who is the leader of your group?” the interrogator asked, motioning the jailers to cease their ministrations for the nonce.

In response, I vomited my last meal of donkey entrails, casual barfing sounds escaping my bubbling lips as I did so.

“Ah,” he cried. “We have the name at last!”

“What?” I asked, wiping my lips with a tattered sleeve.

“You said Bin Laden. Osama.”

“No, that was just a noise I made.”

“Too late to take back, you filthy swine. My ears do not deceive.” He motioned to the guards. “Take him out back and hang him.”

Just then, a heaven-sent RPG dissolved the building in dust, and I found myself out in the street, surrounded by body parts and overturned vehicles, but miraculously still alive and in good working order. Later that night, sleeping beneath a palm in a public park, I had a revelation and awoke, asking myself, Who is this Osama Bin Laden?” – syllables of which my larynx had inadvertently concocted as bile burst forth from my lips.

Such a man did not exist. But, as a typical starving, homeless writer, I was adept at grasping at straws. Thus, in giving this Osama figment a life, I would shape him and use him for whatever good fortune would bring me. Thus, single-handedly in the years that followed, my imagination gave birth to this fictional character Bin Laden, telling of his mad exploits and loopy outbursts in books and articles for the masses. My words gave him a rich father, a family of wives and brats, money to pursue his giddy ideas and crackpot schemes. Little did I realize then that thousands of crazed followers would become enamored of this Bin Laden, the bizarre creature of my cerebral cortex. It would give them all something concrete instead of their former careers fashioning bricks from steaming camel dung.

All of this has provided me with a good living.


A bright smile on his bronze, bearded face, Akmed is older and a tad creaky now, but his memory is Gillette sharp. His books and movies embellishing the Osama legend have garnered him millions. He now lives in a lavish hideaway near Boca Raton, Florida where he follows the frequent bursts of news about Bin Laden’s alleged follies with a grin and a chuckle.

But, you ask, what about that bozo with the scraggly beard that appears all the time on the tube threatening to blow up America’s carmelcorn stands?

“He is my idiot nephew, Omar,” says Akmed. “I pay him to ‘pretend’ whenever they turn him loose for a visit home from the hospital.”

So that’s the ticket, fiction writers! Come up with your own imaginary characters. Just remember: Genghis Khan and Attila the Hun have already been taken.

Robert Wetherall
Last Flight Home
The Making of Bernie Trumble
Forever Andrew

Available at,,

Saturday, February 26, 2011

Audio Interview with author Gary Bolick by Simon Barrett of BNN

In-depth audio interview with Penumbra Publishing author Gary Bolick by Simon Barrett of ...

Gary Bolick, author of ANGEL'S ORACLE, a Southern literary masterpiece of the recent past, talks with book reviewer Simon Barrett about the imagery and mythology presented in the book.

A great chat with details about the author's background and inspiration, also includes information about future books.

Click on the link below and go to the site to listen...

(opens in a new web page)

Interview with Angel's Oracle author Gary Bolick, by Simon Barrett, MP3 audio interview

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Author Phyllis Campbell interviews Penumbra Publishing author Lucille Naroian

(This blog interview by author Phyllis Campbell, featuring Penumbra Publishing author Lucille Naroian is republished with permission from

Phyllis: I want to introduce you to Lucille. Welcome to my sultry blog, my friend. And thank you for letting me interviewing you!

Tell us about yourself and how you first started writing.

Lucille: Many years ago, a friend of mine gave me a copy of The Thorn Birds by Colleen McCollough. She raved about it, and promised me I would regard this 590 page novel as my all time favorite. I took one look at the thickness of the book, gave her a toothy smile and a hug, then put it away. I didn't have time to waste on a book about a priest who couldn't choose between God and a woman. I am the product of Catholic schools. Where's the choice? Well, the day came when it was time to read something from my 'to be read' pile, so I picked up the book, gave it a good dusting, and dove in. Three hours later, I was still reading. If I had walked into a book store way back then, I would never have chosen this book, and it would've been my loss. Reading a story that starts at WWI and ends in the 1960s, is enough to boggle any mind. And yet, Ms. McCollough took me through the saga so brilliantly, I hardly noticed the ride. What I did notice was how she brought the story full circle. Fee's daughter Meggie, ended up living the exact same life as her mother. Brilliant planning! The television miniseries is also my favorite, and the original theme song by Henry Mancini is on the HOME page of my website.

Phyllis: I have to admit, I never read The Thorn Birds, but I do love the movie!! So is the book that changed your life or made you want to become a writer?

Lucille: Well, it didn't change my life, but it did make me want to try my hand at writing. At the time, I was married with a family, and had very little time to weave my romantic tales. I had become a full time portrait artist as well who worked out of my studio at home. But when the urge to write took over, I would pen my romantic tales late at night while my family slept. I told nobody, fearing they would laugh at my futile attempt at story telling. I was a closet writer until two years ago when I took out my three type-written manuscripts. I polished up one to the best of my ability, and sent it off to Penumbra Publishing. They accepted the book, and I've been flying high ever since.

Phyllis: What an awesome story! If you could go back in time, where would you go?

Lucille: To be very honest with you, I wouldn't go back in time. I'm very happy living in the here and now with my life just as it is. The only thing I would've changed in my youth is my diet, and I would have exercised more.

Phyllis: I hear ya, woman! Okay, so what is your favorite thing about yourself?

Lucille: First of all, I'm true to my Catholic faith regardless of what has taken place in the Church recently and in the past. Who am I to make a judgment call on another human being? But as for me, I like to think my best virtue is being kind to others. There are two traits in people that disturb me greatly. One is cruelty to man or beast, and the other is dishonesty.

Phyllis: You are truly a Christian woman, then!! You have a few books out, which is a huge accomplishment, but do you have a favorite? If so, why?

Lucille: I don't know how other authors feel, but my first book, Talk of the Town is my favorite. It's a love story with a lot of humor in it, and I don't mean silliness. It was not my intent to pepper it up with humor, but the character of Samantha's agent is just a funny guy. He reminds me of me. If you look hard enough, you can find humor in anything. And Adam Pearce does.

Phyllis: I love romances - or stories in general - with humor! Way to go! What inspired you to write your latest release, Unforgettable?

Lucille: A few years back, I worked with a young girl who was left at the altar by her conman of a boyfriend. We all knew he was a loser, but love is blind, right? Well, hers was deaf and dumb as well. One day I got the bug to write again, but I had no storyline in my head. And then I thought of this girl and asked...what if? And the story took off.

Phyllis: Don't you just love how story ideas come? Tell us about your book.

Lucille: Be glad to. My heroine, Maddie Price is dumped at the altar and she's livid. Her fiance, a poor artist, talks her into marriage saying they'll honeymoon and live in Paris where his chances of becoming a great painter are much better. She has money...he takes it and runs off. When Maddie realizes what he's done, she ignores the weatherman's forecast of a tropical rain storm moving up the Eastern seacoast, jumps into her old jalopy, and takes off after him. One of her tires gets mangled in a giant pothole. Nobody is around, so she decides to fix it herself. Suddenly, she's confronted by a vicious dog who is threatening to rip out her throat. When the dog's owner comes to her rescue, she reluctantly takes refuge at his mansion, but is still determined to reach the scoundrel who jilted her and retrieve what's hers.

Famous playwright Robert Kendall's life on Cape Cod is anything but calm and uneventful. His Chinese live-in housekeeper, Mrs. O'Malley, has a drinking problem, and his best friend, an actor, sets out to prove he's the perfect choice to play the part of a cross-dressing drag-queen in Robert's new play. Finding Maddie irresistible, Robert knocks himself out trying to make her forget the man who abandoned her. The only problem is, Maddie doesn't trust her instincts after being conned. With Robert seemingly interested in a mysterious fiery redhead, Maddie can't believe she's the only woman in his life. Will Robert's promise to his best friend and Maddie's habitual mistrust prove to be their undoing? Maybe losing each other is the only way Robert and Maddie will realize they belong together.

Phyllis: Sounds like a fun story! Where can readers contact you?

Lucille: They can reach me at, through my website at, and my email,

Thanks, Lucille! This was a fun interview!


Friday, February 11, 2011

Paranoid Enemies - Walter Knight's newest in the AGFL series

The theme of my newest book America's Galactic Foreign Legion - Book 7: Enemies is that even the paranoid have enemies. Colonel Joey R. Czerinski becomes more unstable as he suspects the galaxy is conspiring to kill him, including snipers, two alien species, bandits, insurgents, best friends, mafia gamblers, drug dealers, kidnappers, reporters, attorneys, Mafia gamblers, new Legion recruits, and alien mad scientists bouncing mind control pulse rays off the ionosphere aimed at humanity. And, all these groups are wary of each other. Conspiracy theories abound.

Even Czerinski's girlfriend conspires twice with insurgents to kill him. Czerinski would break up with Lydia, but she is hot, and the alternative is sex with aliens, a terrifying prospect he is well aware of. Even after throwing a grenade under her bed during a failed insurgent attack, they get back together.

Speaking of being paranoid, last year I asked my son Michael Knight whether any of my books were being pirated. Michael (a suspected pirate) advised no. I was disappointed because nefarious internet types violating federal law to pirate books is a true test of literary popularity and success. By the way, sales have been great, and I thank all you Kindle readers. Anyway, now my son reports that, yes indeed, AGFL - Book 1: Feeling Lucky is being pirated. Yes! I am so happy.

Walter Knight