Sunday, November 20, 2011

Black Friday Ninja Shopping

The following is a public service announcement to warn families about
the dangers of shopping in Walmart on Black Friday.

DISCLAIMER: This post may contain references
in quotes or excerpts that could 'alienate' some readers.

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Everyone in capitalist America who owns a television set knows what BLACK FRIDAY is. But, for those of you who are somehow clueless despite the bombardment of shopping ads all over the media, here's a little background.

Black Friday is the day after Thanksgiving, when everyone crazed from cabin fever (being cooped up in the same house with relatives no one wants to see, much less share a meal with) bursts forth in a frenzie to complete official Christmas shopping (because most of them have the day off from work). Black Friday is the retail industry's last great hope of the shopping season for the fiscal year, as traditionally 90% of sales for the year happen on this day. Black Friday is dubbed as such due to the financial accounting reference to 'black' meaning positive revenue, as opposed to 'red' meaning negative revenue or loss (as in, 'Boys, we might as well close up shop. We're in the red, and it's a financial hole so deep, we ain't never gonna crawl out of it').

Because NINJAS (martial arts master assassins armed with stealth silence, invisibility, super speed, swords, and throwing stars) always wear black, it's natural to put the two terms together. Everyone who's ever been trampled in a store sale stampede knows you have to be ruthless like an assassin to get those Christmas shopping bargains before they're all gone. Take no prisoners! This is never more true than in the stores of the global retail giant, WALMART.

Science fiction humorist, WALTER KNIGHT, author of the series AMERICA'S GALACTIC FOREIGN LEGION, has perfected Black Friday Ninja Shopping at Walmart to a science. In his words...

After studying past Black Friday riots, I personally feel only people with a 'black belt in shopping' should venture there. I don't take a cart so I can carry electronic items above my head through narrow isles and past crazed fat ladies and aliens with carts. I pay at the register of the most expensive department (watches & jewelry) to avoid long lines at the front of the store. I use my height to advantage to elbow slow short old people who create deadly delays and bottlenecks. It's called ninja-shopping.
-Walt

To demonstrate the serious dangers of Black Friday shopping, even in the future on distant planet New Colorado overrun with an alien spider population, here's an excerpt from one of Walt's books...


AMERICA'S GALACTIC FOREIGN LEGION
Book 6: Culture War
by Walter Knight
Science Fiction Military Humor

EXCERPT:

The New Gobi City Walmart was purposely built straddling the MDL so that both humans and spiders could shop at the same store. The MDL was painted in red and yellow down the middle of the highly waxed floors. The success of this business model had been expanded to other Walmarts and businesses in the DMZ.

Although the spider Governor of the North Territory tolerated trade between the North and South as a necessary and inherent evil, he was not going to allow the infamous annual Black Friday sale at Walmart to continue another year. Black Friday was the day after the American Turkey Holiday & Feast when Walmart held a huge pre-Christmas sale on all items in the store when the doors opened at the stroke of midnight Thursday.

Thousands of Arthropodan citizens lined up waiting for Walmart’s doors to open. In years past, stampedes resulted in injuries, fights, and heart attacks. Last year there had even been a death by trampling. The governor’s problem with Black Friday was not the good sales at an American store, or the rowdy crowds, or even the mixing of the species at an American-inspired event. His problem was that Arthropodans would be Christmas shopping. It appeared to the governor that, once again, the insidious human pestilence had manipulated Arthropodan habits and culture with American decadence.

If Arthropodans were shopping for Christmas, it meant they were also celebrating Christmas, and all had been lost. The governor was determined that the end of Arthropodan culture on New Colorado would not happen on his watch. Nor would the end be allowed to incubate on New Colorado and to spread to the rest of the Empire. The governor gave the order that Black Friday would be shut down on the Arthropodan side of Walmart.

By Thursday night, many spiders had already pitched tents and formed lines in the parking lot on the north side of the New Gobi Walmart. It was a festive social event. Friends from the outlying districts who had not seen each other since the first of the year at Walmart greeted each other with hugs and plotted shopping strategies. The good mood soured, however, when a company of Arthropodan tanks, armored cars, and infantry marines arrived and deployed between the crowd and the store.
“I am sorry,” announced the spider commander on a public address system. “Access to Walmart is closed. There will be no pre-Christmas shopping allowed at midnight, by order of the governor. The doors will remain locked.”

As a precaution, the front doors were chained and padlocked. The spider commander continued to explain to no avail that Christmas shopping was an American trick to impose Christmas on Arthropodan culture, and would not be allowed. The shoppers booed and hissed and drowned out the commander’s voice. As midnight approached, the crowd grew to thousands. They pressed in on the company of nervous spider marines.

At midnight, a Walmart employee and an Arthropodan marine team leader appeared inside the store and hung up a large ‘CLOSED’ sign on the glass doors. The crowd got louder and more militant, throwing shopping carts and asphalt chunks from the parking lot at the marine armor. However, after a while, the enthusiasm of the crowd started to wane. As the spider commander appealed to their sense of duty and patriotism, spider shoppers started to disperse. Most spiders considered themselves to be a law-abiding and orderly species from a law-abiding and orderly culture. They abhorred mob rule, and a sense of relief swept over shoppers and marines alike as the crowd started going home peacefully.

Then it happened. The spark needed to ignite already frayed tempers was the sight of human pestilence shoppers inside Walmart loading up their shopping carts with boxes of electronic appliances and tech gear. Some Americans waved at the spiders from behind the large plate glass doors. They held up their bargains for the spiders in the parking lot to see. Others just gave the one-fingered salute and giggled.

The taunting was too much for the spider shoppers to accept. Thousands of angry spider shoppers pushed past the marine barrier and smashed the glass doors with concrete from pulled-up light fixtures. They poured into the store, grabbing merchandise off the shelves and from Americans shopping carts. Fights ensued, followed by a nasty riot. More than one spider rioter was run over by angry fat ladies pushing shopping carts. In the end, no one paid for any merchandise. The five-fingered-discount sale ruled the midnight madness. Walmart was emptied of merchandise and trashed. A Merry Christmas was had by all.
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Be careful out there, folks!

5 comments:

  1. LOL. How funny. Penumbra and ninjas have a lot in common. Great post

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  2. Thanks Natasha! We at Penumbra Publishing do look especially good in our black pajamas.

    Pat

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  3. I will be doing more research this Black Friday at Walmart.

    I enjoyed writing about aliens rioting at Walmart, and consider the riot to be a highlight of the culture clash issues I explore between humans and spiders on their shared colony of New Colorado.

    I follow up with a lawsuit in alien court over injuries caused by Walmart's negligence. It's funny stuff.

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  4. Resistance is futile. Shop long and prosper.

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  5. Said by a true capitalist American. Shop-on!

    ReplyDelete

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