Al Qaeda Confirms: Osama's Dance Studio Still Open

BREAKING HEARSAY NEWS from our author-correspondent at large...

Al Qaeda Confirms: Osama's Dance Studio Still Open

by Robert J. Wetherall

According to reliable reports, terrorist fears have eased over concern that Osama Bin Laden’s sudden headache will limit his activities.

My good friend and mentor, celebrated author Eddie Salinski, says his sources confirm that Osama’s School of Ballet and Tap in Boca Raton will remain open. As Eddie puts it, “Intensive training in ballet and tap have been a required part of terrorist training for years, ever since startled aides found Bin Laden wearing a pink tutu while molesting his favorite camel.”

Eddie reminded me that swarthy men wearing colorful tutus have long been a part of the Boca Raton street scene. Locals believe the men are part of a troupe of circus performers, despite the AK-47’s casually slung over their shoulders.

Before his sudden onset of head trauma, Bin Laden had claimed that skillful execution of ballet moves would help aspiring terrorists in their more intensive training efforts. And he advocated up-tempo time-steps by tap-dancing suicide bombers as an effective way of entering crowded markets without causing undue notice.

I asked Eddie if he trusted these reports. (After all, our daily TV and news outlets haven’t picked up this news.) 

“Who gives a rat’s ass?” he countered, a wide smiling creasing his gnarly countenance. “I love stories like these,” he said. “There’s so much bull floating around in the press these days, you can’t keep up with it. Those crazy bastards’ll print anything, I swear upon my trusty Donald Trump Bible.”

“Not anything,” I said.

“Anything,” he repeated. “Want some proof?  Okey-dokey.” He jammed a newspaper into my face, and I looked at one of the headlines. Something about the world coming to an end.

Robert Wetherall

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