No? Well, too bad. Maybe next year, huh? Oh, wait. By next Christmas, what you wanted will be outdated and replaced by something newer and better and twice as expensive. So start saving now. You can't depend on an old fat man in a red suit to make your gadget dreams come true!
So ... how about New Year's resolutions? Make any of those?
No? Well, then, what promises will you have on hand to break? Get busy! It's not too late to make those resolutions so you have something to feel guilty about when you don't achieve any goals. Remember, you only have 23.8 months until the world comes to an end. Yes, Dec. 21, 2012, is the target date set by the end of the Mayan calendar, before those elegantly savage indigenous people all mysteriously disappeared from the face of the earth in a mass alien abduction.
What? You didn't hear about that? Well, go ask your friends who have cable and watch the History Channel, where the doom and gloom mocumentaries can be viewed each evening at prime time. (Just kidding about that end-of-the-world thing, folks. We probably have at least three more years left.)
If you're not into "Life After People" or "Mega Disasters," then tune into the UFO mocumentaries. Some of them are quite startling in their pseudo-realistic information! The alien dummies used in the autopsy photos are truly inspiring with realistic details. And if UFOs aren't your thing, there's always some evil comet or renegade asteroid lurking just outside Earth's orbit, waiting to wreak havoc on our delicate atmosphere. (Like we aren't doing enough of that ourselves with carbon emissions. Why wait 40 billion years for the sun to expand to a red gas giant and fry our atmosphere - we can do that now on our own!)
Meanwhile, if you're looking for some amusing pasttime to escape all that scary stuff, be sure to check out some of our humorous and entertaining books...
The AMERICA'S GALACTIC FOREIGN LEGION series...
Book 1: Feeling Lucky
Book 2: Reenlistment
Book 3: Silent Invasion
Book 4: Demilitarized Zone
Book 5: Insurgency
Book 6: Culture War
Book 7: ... coming soon!
THE MAKING OF BERNIE TRUMBLE:
A Tale of Man and Mutt in a World Run by Women
Introducing Bernie Trumble, renegade. Born in a world ruled by women, where women direct commerce, make the laws, create the art, and dictate fashion – while frustrated males stay home to wash socks and wipe runny noses.
The Making of Bernie Trumble pits one man against the system. Bernie is an outcast because he thinks, unlike most people in his world, that males and females should have equal opportunity for growth and fulfillment. Bernie risks everything – family, friends, job, and self-esteem – in a stubborn attempt to find happiness by closing the gender gap. Maybe a transgender operation is the answer. Or maybe not.
Bernie’s odyssey takes him to extremes, plunging him into one adventure after another. Like Dorothy in the Land of Oz, he meets a lot of interesting people along the way – and some of them aren’t so nice. But through it all, this humorous fantasy pokes fun at the real world and gives a surprising look at gender in society, where the roles of men and women are not only unequal, but totally reversed. The result is at times sad and maddening, as the reality of gender inequality is exposed in all its nasty detail – but the tongue-in-cheek flair helps ease the pain with every guilty chuckle.
BROADLAND SUSPENSE: The Blue LadyThe year is 1974, a time of strife and turmoil in the British Isles and across the globe, as the economy plunges downward and industry collapses. Undaunted, a group of young Scottish men hire a cruiser on the Norfolk Broads for their summer holiday.
Comical circumstances complicate their attempts to find fun and romance, and the interference of a criminal element ensures they get more than they bargained for.
Their nautical skills are put to test with high waters and near-collisions, while their attention is drawn by scantily dressed young ladies. Unwittingly caught up in a Customs sting to catch a crafty gang of smugglers, the boys find their fortunes quickly changing. But even in the midst of adversity, intrigue, and danger, these plucky lads depend on their camaraderie and sense of humor to see them through.
This is one holiday they’ll never forget; their time with the Blue Lady changes their lives forever.
NIGHT OF THE GUPPY:
Sylvia Chesterton, Vampire Guppy Hunter
From the author of Blood and Sunlight: A Maryland Vampire Story, comes the riveting tale of a vampire fish, a hunter, and the most important guppy show competition ever. (Totally tatheleth and ridiculouth, but try reading it anyway. After all, it’s free on Smashwords and only 99-cents on Amazon! Anyway, what better way do you have to waste your time?)
THE CAT'S FANCY
Humans think they rule the animal kingdom, but cats know better. Every now and then, humans need a little help, and Max the Cat meets the challenge when his human Kari gets in deep doo-doo after losing her job. His solution? Kari needs a mate – and fast!
KariAnn Ingles loves her big black kitty Max, who seems to understand her so well, she suspects he can read her mind. Unfortunately, Max the Cat is very protective and runs off every date she brings home. As a result, Max is the only man in her life.
Max adores his human Kari. But suddenly she starts spending all day, every day, at home, not bothering to go to work. This seriously cramps his feline lifestyle, and it’s time to take matters into his own paws. Kari needs a mate, and Max is on a big-kitty mission to find her the purrr-fect man – if there is such a creature!
Daniel Cole Jordensen is settling into his new apartment after a job transfer and breakup with his latest girlfriend. When a black cat shows up at his door and won’t leave him alone, he follows him to the apartment of a charmingly unkempt young woman named Kari Ingles. Suddenly Cole’s past troubles with women are eclipsed by Miss Ingles and her darned cat!
DOMINATRIX-ONLINE.COM - Mistress Blackheart: Policeman's Prerogative
“You’ve been very naughty, and you must be punished.”
When snarky über-slacker Dominique Milhaus gets arrested and hauled to jail on her twenty-fifth birthday and is charged with Internet prostitution, her nights as a video-streaming dominatrix come to an abrupt halt. But Gwinnet County motorcycle patrolman Richard Carlyle, subbing as booking officer at the station that night, has something else in mind for recently out-of-work Mistress Blackheart.
A little afternoon delight complicates things in a hurry, and the ex-dominatrix who can’t commit quickly finds herself at odds with the irritating cop used to getting everything his own way. Add a pair of handcuffs to the mix, and there’s no telling who will end up on top!
The Dominatrix Rules of Engagement
1. The woman with the whip is the Dominatrix. The Dominatrix will be obeyed without question at all times.
2. The personal space of the Dominatrix must be respected. Touching or attempting to touch the Dominatrix is strictly forbidden. Violations will be dealt with swiftly and severely.
3. The Dominatrix will dictate one hour in which to make her entrance at the designated area, and will arrive at her leisure.
4. When the Dominatrix arrives, the designated area becomes her realm. The Dominatrix forbids illegal activities or substances in her realm.
5. All subjects 18 years of age or older within the realm of the Dominatrix immediately become her submissives. Anyone under the age of 18, and anyone who does not wish to be a submissive, must be gone from the designated area when the Dominatrix makes her entrance.
6. The Dominatrix demands complete obedience from her submissives. Any hesitation or reticence in obeying will displease the Dominatrix – and it is never a good idea to displease the Dominatrix. Those who dare will be punished severely.
7. At the conclusion of her reign within the realm, the Dominatrix accepts cash gratuity.